


Nothing Left

by violetgreenacre



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1517060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetgreenacre/pseuds/violetgreenacre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year ago the blood soaked war between the Templars and the mages was fought. I am given the opportunity to leave this land behind. There is nothing left for me here any more. Looking back I think about all the loses that have occurred around me, my heart clenches at the thought. Warning: Multiple character deaths. Rating might change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning At The End

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age II or any of the characters or places mentioned within this FanFiction.
> 
> Originally posted on FanFiction.net

It's been a year since the events that have drawn me to this decision. A year since I, against all odds, sided with the Templars and fought against the mages. It was one of the bloodiest and un-necessary battles I have ever fought within. Kirkwall had still yet to pick itself up from the ashes of the battle, signs of the war still linger everywhere.

I know I no longer belong here, if I ever did in the first place. I know now that try though I had, I only added fuel to the sparking flames of distrust and dis-loyalty. I only tried what I had thought best, but not even I can convince myself of that much longer. Even if I am now the Vicount and the Templars, mages and people of this city looked to me for leadership I can't help. I'm no good unless I'm in a fight making rushed decisions that seem to find a way to kick me later.

I let out a heavy sigh as I walk through the empty dark streets. The slight rain that pattered from the sky seemed to somehow reflect my mood. I've lost track of where I am, I'm only barely looking at the ground directly in front of my feet. I no longer care.

"Hawke." A familiar feminine voice calls to me. My blood begins to boil as I recognise the person behind it. "Look, before you say anything, I'm sorry. I didn't know it would become like this." She muttered quickly.

My head snapped up as I glared harshly at her. "You think sorry can make up for what you did? You're four years to late Isabella." I nearly screamed.

"I know Hawke, trust me I know. If I'd had the courage that you have, I would have come back sooner. But I don't, I'm just a coward Hawke." She replied a touch of sadness lacing her voice.

"Why are you here? What could you possibly want from me now?" I questioned viciously.

"I came to offer you a free ride out of this hell-hole. Well you and anyone else of the gang that's still here." She smiled slightly.

"The gang? I'm the only one that stayed Isabella! Believe me if I was not the Vicount right now, I to would already be gone." My voice hissed flaring with venom.

"It's up to you Hawke, the offer is there. Are you in? Or are you staying here to watch the city inevitably burn itself down?" Isabella questioned me a smirk pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"Why not, there's nothing left for me here anyway." I sighed. "But this is the last chance I will ever give you Isabella. Betray me and it will be the last thing you do, I promise you that." I added with a menacing glare.

"Alright then, the ship is set to leave at first light. Don't be late Hawke." Isabella smiled.

"As if I would." I slightly smirk in return. I turn from Isabella and make my way back towards my empty estate. Bodahn, Sandal and Orana had long since gone. The two dwarves had chosen one of the many boats that had fled the city after the battle. Orana on the other hand had somehow been killed amidst all the battles and confusion of the war. I found her the day after, she apparently had been searching for me; the letter in her cold hands had proven evidence for that.

My heart plummets as I remember the fear forever etched onto her face. There had been no piece for her as she died; I could only hope she was at peace now. The ache in my heart increases as I remember everyone I have lost. Every one of my friends is gone, forced to leave for one reason or another. There really is nothing left for me here, only emptiness.

Thinking back I recall all the people I have seen die or leave right in front of my eyes. It makes me feel so powerless. I don't deserve the title I have now. I only worked towards the estate for mother, and then before she could fully enjoy it she was ripped from this life. Then the Vicount thing just happened; the Templars would not side with Meredith, so they sided with me. Forced me to lead them and be the only voice of possible reason during this hell.

I sigh remembering everything that has happened. Somehow I am still managing to walk back, to the house that I have not considered a home for a while. I think back to how this all began.


	2. Malcolm Hawke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There is a scene within this chapter that some readers may find distressing. Warning: Character death!

The sun bloomed in the sky, birds chirped happily within the cloudless sky. The mid-summer heat radiated of the streets caught by the slight breeze. Crossing the bridge that was located near the entrance of Lothering a chill ran up my spine. A breeze blows past my ears, I hear a whispering on the wind, a whisper of a threat not perceived.

We were all out together as father had insisted we help the refugees. Bethany and Carver being only 17 had picked up a bit of a fuss. However father, mother and I had managed to twist their arms with the promise of free time without us bothering them. Being a year older than my siblings I was expected to be the shining example, it is a difficult task to live up to.

Two years ago Father had finished training me in the ways of the blade. He therefore left the remainder of Carver's training to me as father wanted to focus more solely upon Bethany's training. Them both being mages father had forced countless volumes in front of Bethany and taught her about the temptations of blood magic. Carver and I studied as well during this time, I was determined that we would expand our horizons more through the things we learnt.

Carver has started joking with father as we make our way around the camps. Much help is needed and we can only offer so much but we the Hawke family try our very best. I begin helping apply bandages and salves to some injured people as I giggled at father and Carver joking around.

A shrill scream rings out, echoing around us. Silence follows. I quickly finish the bandage I had been applying, looking over at father he eyes the main bride that connects our tiny home place to the rest of Ferelden. Now finished with the bandage I run towards father, Carver has already joined him as Bethany is helping mother pack up her things.

"Let's go, there may be some people in need of help." Father states as he strides forward.

"Alright father, but let's keep our own well-being in mind." Carver inputted. Father just muttered something in reply as we raced onto the bridge.

Arriving upon the bridge I noticed the section that crossed the river now lay in pieces. Looking away from the ruined road towards I noticed fire. Fire was spreading in the grasses and trees that surrounded the village. Thick smoke billowed towards us causing a coughing fit, my eyes began to sting. Blinking furiously I tried to see despite the smoke. I needed to see if anyone needed assistance. Glancing around I noticed Carver doubled over beside me holding his face in his hands. Father was nowhere to be seen. I scanned what little I could see, hoping to catch a glimpse of him even briefly.

Still nothing, my eyes streamed as the smoke raged at them. The thick grey mass swirled and surrounded me. Coughing I forced myself to move forward, forced myself to find him. As I staggered through the smoke clouded scene I furiously glanced at both sides. My tear filled eyes presented me with a blurry dark greyness. Suddenly a wind wiped towards me and the smoke clouds shifted, an area double the size of the refugee camp had now cleared of smoke. The battle was visible.

Creatures, the likes of which I had vaguely read about surrounded various people. They growled and hissed and squelched and screamed. The noises caused all hairs to stand at attention and bile to rise to the back of my throat. They were strange creatures; they came in different shapes and sizes carrying a barrage of different weapons. Some almost resembled men whilst others reminded me of the build of dwarves. A strange smell that reminded me of damp, woods and decay mixed with the burning that overwhelmed me. As I glare at these creatures my book had referred to as 'Darkspawn' I noticed that they were overwhelming the people the surrounded.

There seemed to be an endless number of these beasts. A familiar spell flew through the air dead ahead of me. I rushed forward desperate to lend my aid. Gripping the long blade father had given me for my last Birthday; I swung it forward gripping it with both hands. I began the 'dance of skill' as father liked to refer to fighting. Five of those beasts ran towards my father closing the distance, the weakness of most mages was close combat. Father was not one of them; he had skills with combat, he had trained me and Carver after all.

I watched as I narrowed the gap between me, my father and the Darkspawn, they focused upon him. Father had no one to back him up yet, I will change that. One of the taller beasts made to grab my father, I stared at the narrowing gap as another from the opposite direction to the one that was attempting to grab him landed a hit. My father crumpled forward, screaming I forced my legs to move faster, the first beast closed his grip around my momentarily stunned father.

'Almost there' I screamed inside my head. I can almost feel the breath of the foul creatures against my skin. "Father!" I screeched, his head snapped in my direction. His eyes lock with mine; tears begin to stream down our faces. A smile sweeps across his face, his goofy smile that had made the twins to giggle when they were younger. I feel my muscles force themselves into a smile as they always do when they see father smile.

The second Darkspawn plunges his blade into my father's back. I feel a scream leave my mouth as my father slumps into the beast restraining him. My chest burns as I feel like my heart hits the ground below me. Falling; somehow I'm falling, I hit the ground the same time as my father. The wind rushes from my body as I furiously attempt to retain it.

"Daughter, listen to me." A whisper of a voice calls to me. "Take your mother and siblings and get out of her. Lothering isn't safe any longer." He begs.

"I will father." I stutter as I force myself to stand once again. "Come on, I'll get you out of here." I state bending over to lift him up.

"No, Run!" He shouts, his eyes widening in fear of a terror behind me. Fear grips my body refusing to allow my head to turn. "Run Now!" He yells. My body responds forcing me into a sprint. At the screen of smoke I glace back I notice a horde surrounding my father.

'I must go back.' I think. Turning I prepare myself to run back to him. "RUN AWAY!" I hear him scream. "Protect them." He adds. A sickening crunch sound fills my ears. The tears flow more furiously down my face. Turning once more I begin my journey through the dark grey blurring everything else.

"Sister, sister where are you?" I hear Carver calling. Pivoting myself towards his yells, I grip his arm as I sprint through the smoke.

"We need to go." I say in a strangled tone.


	3. Running

Heart pounding, breath hitching, side hurting and legs running. Carver and I managed to find Mother and Bethany somehow amongst the crisis. I briefly explain that father will be accompanying us no more, although it pains me to admit it. I know I am at fault here, if I had been quicker, if I hadn't left his side, if I'd clung to him when the smoke surrounded us, I could have saved him. Now we run.

All through the town, the fire licks at our heels. Panting we race to the other slope that leads to the main road out. Mother is tiring now and I realise we must get away, looking towards the road I see a lining of bodies and a shadowy mass of bodies charging towards us. Fear strikes, arms stretch, hands grip. I catch Mother and Bethany before they begin their climb to the slaughter site, I push them towards the old farm and the woods that lay beyond it. Confusion tints their faces but I leave them no room for argument.

"Come on you two, we can't go that way." Carver urges as he forces them to move in the new direction. Catching Carver's eye I notice him nod slightly as he grips Bethany's arm dragging her towards the small forest path. Turning my head I look at mother, letting a small smile spread across my face I hold my hand out to her. Tears leak from her eyes as she places her rough hand within my armoured ones.

Half pulling half pushing, we break through the first barrier of trees. We began to turn towards the path that father had informed us of; it was our only escape, our only hope of escape from the hell that raged around us. However not fully knowing where this path would lead had its disadvantages, the twists and turns appeared out of no way. Wide open space would suddenly open up only to become a narrow path moments later. Slopes flattened, winding paths stretched straight, paved path muddied, hard ground softened, and surroundings shifted seeming to change with each corner.

Smoke filtered like mist upon the edge of the path ahead, our now slowed journey stopped fearing what was ahead. As I made my way through my family I noticed that everyone was panting, all of them more than ready for a rest that we could not afford to take. Shifting forward the misty smoke fell through the trees surrounding me. Not thick enough to completely block my vision I squint trying to make out the path ahead. Taking a deep breath I step forward again. The forest breaks, a clearing makes itself known. Glancing around I notice a hill on my left and what appears to be a steep slope on the right. Nodding to myself I trudge back to my family.

"We appear to have made it to the mountain path." I state mainly aiming my sentence at Carver. He nods at me.

At the edge of my vision I notice a group of men sized Darkspawn running towards us. Their faces and clothes splattered with the blood of countless victims, their eyes hungry for more, and their sharp blood stained weapons in hand eager to shed the blood of another victim.

Bethany follows my gaze and sees them heading for us. She grasps her staff sending a spell in their direction. The filthy creatures are closing the distance fast. Grapping mother's arm I break into a run, the forest and the Darkspawn within begin to fall behind. Mother looks so warn out, I begin to run ahead a little preparing myself for the possibility of more of the horde being ahead. I can hear her panting heavily; she looks as though all her energy is gone. The horde growl as they advance behind us. We break past the clearing and begin onto a fairly narrow path, running right next to a mass of rock on one side and rocks piled to the other. A thick burning post sticks out of some rocks to my right, ash blowing in the wind.

Mother's breathing becomes really ragged, she grunts and I hear the sound of her hitting the floor. The horde picks up speed urged on by what they see as an easy kill. I run back placing myself between mother and the Darkspawn, Bethany and Carver join me. Bethany sends a wall of fire flying their way. I watch as they attempt to break through it, only to cause themselves burns. The leader of the pack stands roaring as he catches the full attack. The second breaks through the fire, swinging my blade I slice it away easily, it falls. A few others break through the blaze, I slice and swing, anger fuelling my tired body. Carver is close by maintaining our line of defence, whereas Bethany has taken a step back to stand the nearest to mother. I spot the last of the group running through the fire, slicing its side I prepare to make the final blow. Carver jumps and slices down the creature's front, it falls.

Glancing behind me I notice mother forcing herself to her feet. Bethany closes the distance between them her arms outstretch slightly, prepared should mother fall. I switch my glance to Carver and join him walking towards mother. She shakes her head, as she turns towards us.

"I think that's all of them." Carver states, tiredness leaking into his voice though he tries to conceal it.

"For the moment." Bethany breaths angrily as she looks towards mother.

"Maker save us, we've lost it all. Everything your father and I built…" Mother sighs shaking her head again before staring at the floor whilst and taking a step forward.

"I know how much Lothering meant to you, but we have to move." I stated regret lacing my voice.

"Yes. You're right." Mother replied as she stared at the ground again.

"We should have gone sooner! Why did we wait so long?" Bethany questions angrily snapping her head to glare at me and Carver.

"Why are you looking at us? We've been running since Ostagar!" Carver stated defensively.

I sighed, growling issuing from behind the wall of fire. 'Just what we need these two fighting at a time like this.' I think mentally shaking my head.

"Are you two insane? If we stand around, we'll die!" I asked glancing at the horde now growling at us through the flames.

"Please! Listen to your sister." Mother pleaded glancing back and forth between them.

"Then let's go. Lead on." Carver stated, gesturing away from the creatures.


	4. Flee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There is a scene within this chapter that some readers may find distressing. Warning: Character deaths!

Kirkwall that was our destination, we had discussed it and mother thought it would be the best place. The idea concerned me as the words Bethany had said echo in my head. "There are a lot of templars in Kirkwall, mother…" We had just met a couple by the names of Wesley and Aveline Vallen; Husband and wife. We agreed after some tension to work together to escape.

Carver was not happy about going south but grudgingly followed whilst mumbling under his breath. Slicing our way through several more of the filthy creatures we arrived in a wide flat stretch of land. Looking back at mother I noticed her struggling for breath again and decided we could spare a few moments here.

Rumbling, shifting the ground seemed to quake in fear of some invisible threat. Glaring at some rocks bouncing off the floor I wondered what could cause such tremors with fear. A loud roar emitted as the huge beast emerged, an ogre. I felt my breath leave me as I gaped at its size and the evident muscles its form commanded.

Carver pushed mother behind him as the creature charged past forcing the Vallens to dive for cover. The creature had jagged horns and had somehow found some pieces of armour to fit its size. "You soulless bastard!" Carver exclaimed as he cast a glance at mother. Rushing forward he swung his bade only for the creature to block it with the armour on its right arm.

The creature was not intimidated that much was obvious. Growling it swung its left arm and easily picked Carver up. My vision zoned in, drawn by the sight of my family in danger again. Carver grunted in pain as the creature held him. Time slowed, every detail became highly defined as the creature slammed Carver into the ground. My ears picked up the faint sound of bones breaking and Carver groaning, eyes following the blood as it splattered from his body and his sword clattering away. My heart sped, feet frozen, knees on the verge of collapse, the world was slowly turning to black until all I could see was the creature and Carver.

The beast slammed Carver into the ground again, my ears picking up a mush louder snapping sound this time. More blood sprayed from Carver but he issued not a whimper. The beast seemingly bored of the now still Carver tossed him behind its form. Carver fell limply, lifeless. Red tinged my vision, hate and anger swelled, my feet no longer frozen forced themselves to run at the creature that had done this. I almost didn't see mother run towards Carver exclaiming his name.

With the help of Bethany and Aveline we made quick work of the creature and its little henchmen. When the final enemy fell Bethany and I run towards mother. I faintly hear her talking. "Carver, wake up! The battle's over! We're fine!" She shakes him slightly unbelieving that he is no longer with us.

"I'm sorry, Mistress. Your son is gone." Aveline says with sorrow filling her tone as she and Wesley walks slowly towards mother.

"No! These things will not take Carver!" Mother states her voice hitching. Kneeling down to look at my brother's body and mother hanging onto him for all she has.

"Carver gave himself to save us." I sorrowfully say hoping that the words will somehow sooth mother, even a little.

"I don't want a hero! I want my son! How could you let him charge off like that? Your little brother! My little boy!" Mother bit back with venom in her tone. Leaning over her lost son she places him back onto the ground.

"Mother, we can't stay here. Carver wouldn't want his sacrifice to be meaningless." Bethany cries out.

"Allow me to commend your son's soul to the Maker, Mistress." Wesley states walking forward slightly. Placing his right hand over his heart and closing his eyes slightly he recites. "Ashes we were, and ashes we become. Maker, give this young man a place at your side. Let us take comfort in the peace he has found in eternity"

Mother removes Carver's head from her lap, stroking the side of his face as she glances down at him. "I will never forget you, Carver." She states confidence filling her broken tone.

"At least Father will have company now." I stutter out, trying to rain in the tears I feel prickling at the corner of my eyes. Standing up I walk away from Carver's body, trying to give mother a little more time with him. Bethany and Aveline join me.

"Flames! We're too late." Aveline curses as more of the darkspawn horde approach us. The fight begins again, as I force my over tired limbs to slice and cut the enemies all around us. It seems as though for every enemy we manage to fell approximately ten take its place. They are moving in, forcing us into a tight little circle.

"There's no end to them…" Bethany exclaims. I instinctively force myself slightly ahead of her trying to prevent her from taking the full force of whatever blow may arrive. The creatures form a line ahead of us and force us back towards mother and Carver and the wall of rock behind them. The beast's growl and groan, spitting at us, forcing us back. The ground shakes again and my heart plummets. The shaking seems to be originating from above us, taking the deepest breath I can I force myself to look.

A strange mass of pink, purple and red sits right near the edge of the cliff. Confusion filters into my numb mind. The mass moves revealing long wings that seem to gleam slightly. The mass reveals itself to be a dragon. Gasping I take in the marvel that it is, the dragon leans down and screeches. Admiration gone fear fills me again as I wonder how we will fight such a creature. The dragon leaps, gliding down the cliff face and hurtling towards us at astonishing speed. Diving down the dragon misses us easily as fire erupts just in front of us, colliding with the horde of darkspawn. The dragon seemingly not satisfied; with just frying the creatures, lowers and grabs one of the retreating forms and carries it straight up into the sky. Mouth hanging open I gasp as the creature falls from a dizzying height as the dragon roars again.

The dragon dives growling then lands somehow gracefully on top of some of the darkspawn. The dragon whips its tail and slams more of the creatures away, fire flies from its mouth again as the darkspawn become few and few in number. The last of the visible darkspawn is swatted away with the dragon's head, it rears and shifts to look to us. Panic, fear are gripping me again, threatening to glue me to the spot like earlier. Internally shaking my head I force myself to gulp the fear down and hope for the best.

A light encases the dragon, it shifts as if in pain and the light intensifies. The light almost blinding vanishes the dragon is gone and a woman stands in its place. She has white hair with which parts of look to be shaped into horns sweeping behind her. A red leather suit patterned with black feathers at the shoulders and a half skirt like cape complement her perfectly, her arms and legs clad with armour give her a menacing look. She stalks towards us carrying the last dead darkspawn her yellow eyes fixed with mine as the wind whips the cape like skirt flaps furiously to keep up with the force. Dropping the dead creature in her hand, she places the same hand on her hip and glares in a demeaning manner. "Well, well, what have we here?" She questions threateningly. Bethany and I walk slowly towards the dragon turned woman. Clattering draws my attention to Aveline helping Wesley lay down a few feet from my brother's lifeless form and my mother tucked behind him. "It used to be we never got visitors to the Wilds, but now it seems they arrive in hordes!" The dragon lady sneered gaining my attention again.

Feeling threatened I raised my arm as I stated "I don't know what you are, but I won't let you harm us!" my voice filled with more confidence than I currently possessed. The dragon woman seemed taken back.

"Let me? If I wished you harm. I daresay you could not stop me." She scoffed. "If you wish to flee the darkspawn, you should know you are heading in the wrong direction." She stated walking away.

"Wait! You can't just leave us here!" Bethany mumbled uncertainty lacing her tone.

"Can I not?" The woman questioned glancing back at us over her shoulder. "I spotted a most curious sight: a mighty ogre, vanquished! Who could perform such a feat? But now my curiosity is sated, and you are safe… for the moment. Is that not enough?" She continued walking back directly towards me.

"You could show me that trick of yours. That looks useful." I stated.

The woman laughed. "If only a clever tongue was all one needed! Tell me, clever child: how do you intend to outrun the Blight?" She questioned curiosity seeping from her words.

"We need to get to Kirkwall – in the Free Marches." Bethany answered.

"Kirkwall? My, but that is quite a voyage you plan. Your king will not miss you, hmm?" The woman almost giggled.

"King Cailan was betrayed. There's nothing for me here." I sorrowfully stated.

"I see. Hurtled into the chaos, you fight… and the world will shake before you." The woman wistfully stated. Walking away again, she stopped a distance from us and muttered to herself. "Is it fate or chance? I can never decide." Taking a moment to think to herself she turned back and began walking towards us again. "It appears fortune smiles on us both today. I may be able to help you yet."

"And we should accept your help? We don't even know what you are." I stated in disbelief instincts telling me not to trust this woman completely.

"I know what she is. The Witch of the Wilds." Aveline stated with venom, the warning in her voice loud and clear.

"Some call me that. Also Flemeth. Asha'bellanar. An 'old hag who talks too much!'" Flemeth laughed. "Does it matter? I offer you this: I will get your group past the horde in exchange for a simple delivery to a place not far out of your way. Would you do this for a 'Witch of the Wilds'?"

"We don't have much choice." I stated, thinking of Wesley who was injured and seemed to be getting worse by the second and mother who was exhausted both physically and mentally.

"We never do." Flemeth answered. "There is a clan of Dalish elves near the city of Kirkwall. Deliver this amulet to their Keeper, Marethari. Do as she asks with it and any debt between us is paid in full. Before I take you anywhere, however, there is another matter…" She continued glancing purposely at Wesley as she finished, in time to see him cough and a little blood trail down his lips.

"No! Leave him alone!" Aveline demanded standing between Flemeth with me and Wesley.

"What has been done to your man is within his blood already." Flemeth stated looking sorrowfully.

"You lie!" Aveline contradicted.

"She's right, Aveline. I can feel the corruption inside me. Wesley weakly coughed out.

"There must be something we can do." I enquired looking at Flemeth.

"The only cure I know of is to become a Grey Warden." Flemeth regretfully replied.

"And they all died at Ostagar." I sighed shaking my head.

"Not all, but the last are now beyond your reach." Flemeth informed.

"Aveline. Listen to me." Wesley spluttered out.

"You can't ask me this! I won't!" Aveline softly stated kneeling down next to her husband.

"Please. The corruption is a slow death. I can't…" Wesley pleaded struggling through each word. Aveline stoked the side of his face, looking at me with pleading eyes as I knelt beside them.

"He's your husband, Aveline. I can't decide his fate." I softly said. Aveline's eyes fluttered from horror to understanding to pain.

"Be strong, my love." Wesley whispered. Glancing down he struggled lifting his knife from his belt, pleading in his eyes he placed the blade above his heart, Aveline's hands wrapped around his, the last caring gesture she could offer. Wesley nodded and Aveline pushed the knife into his chest, he groaned in pain but his eyes revelled how relieved he felt. Wesley's body fell slack and Aveline reached forward and closed his eyes for him, the pain of loss evident from her very movement. Slowly she rose to her feet and tears threatened to fall from her eyes, breathing deeply she struggled to hold them in.

"Without an end, there can be no peace." Flemeth stated she paced back towards the path we must now follow. "It gets no easier. Your struggles have only just begun." She continued, experience twisting her statement into a warning.


	5. Meeting Them

One year, that was the price to enter Kirkwall. A year of serving Athenril and her band of smugglers, I took most of the jobs as I was not willing to allow Bethany to bare this burden. She helped mother settle into Gamlen’s shabby house, fixed clothes and helps me clean my armoured clothing when a deal had goes badly and ends in the splattering of blood.

I tried to avoid shedding blood, Athenril had told me this made me more valuable to her as she didn’t have to spend time covering the deaths. Though it was not always possible, some people refused to be persuaded without the threat of violence, or swing of a blade. Drawing my weapon brings back the memories of Carver and father, my blade and I too weak to protect them. Some nights I would glance and I would see the blood that would never wash off no matter how hard I scrubbed. The blood of those I had failed to protect was the most staining of all.

I had refused that Aveline help with any of the tasks Athenril set; if not for us she may never have come here, I refused for her to bare our debt. Instead she worked favour with the guards, working her way into the chain of command under the Captain of the guard. She said that was where she belonged and I didn’t question it. Most nights she stayed at the barracks, not wanting to feel the straining environment at Gamlen’s. Sometimes she spent the night with us, and muttered to me in the quiet of the night that she wouldn’t be in a hurry to do so again.

Shortly after our term with Athenril had ended word reached us of a venture to the Deep Roads. With the Arch demon now vanquished the horde would slowly return to those roads but for a short while it would be less crowded, less dangerous. We managed to track down the one heading up the expedition a dwarf by the name Bartrand. It was a chance, a chance to escape the concerned looks of mother and angry glares of Gamlen, a chance we were eager to take.

He didn’t want us, he made that clear the moment he clapped eyes on us. We may not be the best dressed of people but at least we had fighting experience, more so than most of the immigrants in this small place. He walked as he talked his way out of accepting of us, I tried to persuade him but he wasn’t budging. When he left us in the street a kid bumped into me as I talked with Bethany. Thinking nothing of it I continued a step, suddenly realising the missing familiar clink of the few coins I had collected. Turning I started after the thief only to see him pinned to the wall by a single arrow.

The origin of the arrow appeared to be from another dwarf, this one wielded a beautiful looking crossbow that he seemed to handle with care. His hair pulled back framed his face, his clothing seemed well kept and fairly new, a part of his chest was exposed revealing eye catching chest hair, the colour seemed to almost glisten in the sunlight.  
The dwarf retrieved my purse and returned it to me, introducing himself as Varric he suggested a business proposition for us to consider. He also placed himself as a friend that could help out in the times to come.

Traveling with Varric served as nice way to get around, he knew a lot of people working in the shadows, could persuade people where I could not. Varric provided a nice distraction, I felt that when I travelled with Bethany and him in my company that Bethany would stare at me a little less. She still expected me to fall apart at any moment, she didn’t know I concealed that part of me, buried it so deep I wondered if I’d ever be able to deal with it. The time never came to deal with something as complex as feelings, something always needed to be done.

A trip into Darktown in the pursuit of a rebel warden had pulled at the wounds on my heart. Of course we would find a warden now, much too late to be of any use to the one that had needed his assistance. Wesley may not have been with us long before we lost him but the pain I sometimes glimpsed in Aveline’s eyes was enough to remind me of the sacrifice I had asked her to make. 

The warden Anders wanted something, everyone did. “A favour for a favour...” those words concerned me, too vague, too little information. Asking a few more questions and learning the basic nature of this favour he asked for I agreed. The maps of the Deep Roads and the lives those maps could save worth ten times more to me than this favour of his.

It did not go well. The one we were trying to save had been made tranquil. Having a mage as a sister I had learnt every danger that could become her, tranquil was one of these dangers. The process was never described in the books I could find or conversations I listened into however the result was enough of a danger. I would let no one rip my sister’s mind from the fade, preventing her dreams and making her a slave. To see this done to a mage was a dreaded reminder. 

Templar’s awaited us, a fight broke out and Ander’s secret was revealed. He’d made a deal with a demon. He insisted it was not a demon but a spirit of justice, but what was this spirit’s version of justice may not be justice for everyone. It unnerved me to be in the presence of a spirit in a human host.

The time had come, to complete the favour Flemeth had asked. Sundermount that was the destination, Marethari the only name I had to go on. Travelling there was no easy task, the mountain trail seemed endless at times. Finally the Dalish camp revealed itself in a flat space practically at the top of the trail. Two hunters stopped our approach demanding to know why we had travelled this way and our business with their camp. After revealing the name I had been given they allowed us passage but threatened violence should we do anything suspicious.

Marethari told us to continue up the mountain where we would meet Merrill, after we had taken the amulet given to me by Flemeth we were to take her to Kirkwall. This was the favour for the information and ceremony to complete the task. Climbing further up the mountain we met Merrill and she babbled at us. Taking the lead in our little pack I followed the trail ahead, shades and skeletons attacked revealing that Merrill was a mage. Another to worry about.

Almost at the cave we would have to travel through a hunter stopped us and told us to complete our business quickly so that they could be rid of Merrill. The implications lingered heavily upon my mind. Upon exciting the spider infested cave a strange barrier blocked our path. Merrill dealt with it revealing the secret that she used blood magic. I felt my blood run cold, Anders and his strange version of Justice I could just about deal with but blood magic. That was another matter, it scared me to have it performed so easily in front of me seemingly without care.

The ceremony was completed and the piece of Flemeth that she had placed in the amulet was freed. We trekked back to the camp and allowed Merrill to say her goodbyes to her keeper, before beginning the long journey back to Kirkwall. I escorted Merrill to the alienage in Lowtown of Kirkwall, she was disappointed asking if she could accompany me from time to time. I agreed, I’m not sure if it was out of pity or just to get her to leave my company for a while.

Passing through Hightown, I noticed an argument with a chanter and a man. His armour gleamed in the sun, the white surface reflecting the light beautifully. He placed a request upon the board as he argued about his right to do so. He stormed away, before the chanter could remove the request I ran to the board and read the request. It was simple enough some gang that he wanted dealt with, they were likely not in one place but easy enough to deal with. A justice that even I could see as a right decision. I took the task.

It was easy, almost too easy, as I dealt the final blow to the final group of the thugs I thought how everything had gone to easy. There was surely more of to this. Returning to the man I leant was called Sebastian, I informed him of my success and he was thankful for the completion of the job. Paying the promised amount on the request. I still felt uneasy as to if the task had actually been completed but was happy to let it go.

I received a request to help someone retrieve something, I found them and retrieved all the information I needed from them. It was a simple task, a package they couldn’t retrieve themselves. The location of the package was located in a house within the alienage a short walk from where the client had arranged to meet us. Getting to the location was easy, getting to the chest was easy. It was empty. My first thoughts were we’d been set up and had un-knowingly walked into a trap.

Leaving the house seemed to prove my fear correct, a large group of people awaited our exit from the building. They talked about an elf and how they were ordered to kill anyone who exited the building. The fight erupted, blood splattered in every direction staining the night. We easily defeated the bandits and were heading to exit the alienage to report back to the client. A templar approached, a single man not posing as much threat as the dead bodies littered at our feet.

The man ordered an attack, we readied ourselves for battle. A single heavily bleeding man stumbled round the corner. An elf pushed him over stating that the men were dead, the others relaxed. I was not so comfortable around this new person. The templar called the elf a slave and he angrily stated he was no one’s slave, glowing blue he plunged his fist through the templar. The elf introduced himself as Fenris and asked about the dealing with the package and client. He asked for our assistance in dealing with a person from his past. I agreed still partly on guard.

We travelled to Hightown and entered a mansion that apparently belonged to a person called Danarius. Making our way through the house shades and demons attacked us but we easily defeated them. We made it into the last room, a human priest looking spirit seemed to be summoned by doing so. We defeated the enemy and Fenris left the house.

Taking anything of value we could find to sell, we headed outside. Fenris seemed unhappy that he had received help from a mage. I defended my sister as I always will, after all she had helped. Fenris seemed uneasy but offered to be of assistance any time I needed him.

Visiting the Hanged Man was always interesting, there was a man that always talked seemingly to himself at times. The drunks telling silly stories scattered at the tables, this time a woman took caught my attention. She fought off some thugs and seemed quite skilled. I went to the bar and talked to her, she reveals her name is Isabella.

She asks me to watch her back for a meet up that she is to attend as she doesn’t trust the people. I agree. At nightfall I travel to Hightown to meet her, she is nervously pacing thinking things are to quiet. A small group of thugs appear and it is clear the deal has gone sour. Once we deal with the thugs a quick loot of their pockets revealed a note stating Hayder the man we are dealing with is in the chantry.

The journey to the chantry is only briefly interrupted by a gang of thieves. Making our way into the chantry Isabella and this Hayder talk a while. She then reveals there is only one way to end this and sends one of her blades flying into the man. A fight breaks out that is quickly over Isabella then states she’ll just have to find this relic of hers another way. She thanks me for my help and offers to accompany me if I have need of her.

That is how I met them. At times I have regretted agreeing to helping them or allowing them to join me. Especially Isabella and that forsaken relic, the relic that would cost more on blood than any book item should be worth.


	6. The Deep Roads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Originally I was going to split the expedition into two chapters, however because I've made you wait so long I decided to write the entire Deep Roads ordeal in one chapter, although a part of this chapter was not easy to write. Reader discretion is advised! *Hands out tissues*

Finally the expedition was to begin, the money paid, the maps given. A choice remained, who to take with me. Varric had to go of course he was already part of the expedition leaving me to choose two people to take with me.

In my head I weighed them against each other. Anders had expressed an unwillingness to head into the Deep Roads but he was valuable for healing, a possibility if I could persuade him. Isabella was good at fighting in the shadows and taking the enemy by surprise, though I wasn't sure how useful this trait would be underground in the tunnels. I couldn't ask Aveline to leave her guard just for an expedition that I wanted to go on. Merrill still made me feel uneasy with her use of blood magic, definitely not her. Fenris could be counted upon to help fight the possible enemies, I decided to defiantly take him with me. Bethany possessed the same benefits of Anders except without the winning that Anders was bound to do if I dragged him into the Roads.

I let Bartrand know who I intended to take: Varric, Fenris and Bethany. Mother who had come to stop me taking her was not happy but allowed me to take my sister of for the journey ahead. Part of me knew that Bethany needed this journey away from Kirkwall as much as I did.

The ship ride was not pleasant, Bartrand mumbled and cursed as the sea tossed us from side to side. The boards creaking and moaning in time with the flapping and straining of the sails all trying to keep up with the ferocity of the storm that had captured us.

Finally we landed near a location the map showed an entrance. We groggily disembarked and there it was, a hidden entrance carved into the ground. The stones tarnished with mud, blood and a slime looking substance. The stench of death lingering heavily in the air drawing attention to the bodies littered the entrance, mostly darkspawn corpses but I glimpse of the odd dwarf corpse squashed amongst the creatures.

The entrance to the Roads appeared to be but a crack in the mountain, it gave me an eerie feeling. Upon closer inspection the entrance way was cut to suit the dwarves, the carved out entrance ending but a little higher than the dwarves around us. It also appeared to be just wide enough for the smaller carts to pass through, I internally groaned at the idea that us taller than dwarf-size people would have to crouch or crawl through this corpse littered path.

Something about this place un-nerved me, a feel of dread I could not shake off whispered from the dark. I silently vowed not to lower my guard whilst surrounded by the stones of the Deep Roads.

The descent into the actual Roads was challenging, crouching down in armour proved very uncomfortable, but I preferred the idea of crouching over the idea of placing my hands on the mangled mess of crushed bodies. In some places the pile of bodies was too high to allow the carts through so we helped carve a path through the rotting masses. The air was hard to breathe, either because of the stench or the lack of air flow I wasn't sure.

Inching step by step we squeezed through the final hurdle of rocks. The pathway opened up revealing a wide, high ceilinged corridor that was subtly lighted. Some of the workers that had managed to move ahead of us rushed up to Bartrand stating there was a collapse blocking the main road. Bartrand was not happy he slapped the worker away and ordered the setup of camp.

We decided to go look for a way around this collapse, Bartrand didn't seem to like the idea much at first but Varric managed to persuade him. Before we could set off from the temporary camp Bodahn ran towards us asking us to look out for his boy Sandal, we agreed of course though I worried if we'd find him in one piece.

As we made our way through the side tunnels; none as cramped as the entrance, it became apparent that there was still plenty of darkspawn and spiders lingering down here. There was even a ginormous spider that we somehow managed to slay. We suffered no permanent damage as Bethany always healed us before we became too heavily injured.

We found Sandal, I sighed openly in relief upon seeing him just ahead in the tunnel. A few bodies lay around him, they looked fresh. Sandal handed me a rune of some kind, and I asked him what he'd done to the ogre that loomed over us, thick ice froze it in place; mid run. Sandal just replied that it wasn't enchantment, which left me rather confused.

Varric broke my confusion by reminding me of our task of finding a way around the collapse. We moved on trying to leave our confusion with it. We moved past some stone golems, I stared at them when we passed as they appeared ready to attack. We encountered more darkspawn upon our journey but they caused us no real issue.

We climbed some stairs, opening the door I noticed a fairly large contained room. A growl issued drawing my attention to the ogre that inhabited the room. Scenes of Carver's only encounter with the same type of beast flashed rapidly in my mind. Anger rose within me as the beast charged, the next thing I registered my weapon was drawn and I was slicing into the creature with the most powerful attacks I've mastered. The beast went down easy; to easy, my anger was not spent, the rage boiled within me waiting.

The opportunity soon arose to expend my anger. Travelling down a corridor it suddenly opened up into a very large room. Somehow a dragon had made a nest here, the little drakes attacked upon realising their mother was getting injured. Hacking, stabbing, slicing my movements became infused with my anger and I no longer felt the strain in my muscles or the warmth from the flames the dragon and drakes produced. Nothing mattered, a small part of me felt sorry for this creature, it was now the object of my rage though it had done nothing other than defend its home.

It appeared that the path just beyond the dragon room lead to our destination. Varric mentioned we should head back to get Bartrand and the other workers. The journey back and forth was a quite one, well for our group it was. The hirelings seemed amazed at the corpses laying around and wondered about the ogre Sandal had dealt with. We offered no explanation, I was brooding. Something was nagging in the back of my mind, a feeling of unease that I could not dispel.

When we reached the entrance to the Thaig Varric expressed his disbelief as to the condition of the place. I asked a few questions and got some information about the Blight. Bartrand ordered the setup of camp again, after a week of underground travel everyone needed a break. After resting for a while and eating some of the provisions we had brought we decided it was time for our little group to help out in the search for treasures.

After speaking briefly to Bartrand who seemed as confused as Varric about the Thaig, we walked along the pathway. Passing some of the other dwarves I noticed Sandal and Bodahn at the side, this was actually the first I'd seen of them since finding Sandal. I went over to ensure that they were all right now and Bodahn informed me he viewed this as a debt he had to repay. I didn't like the idea much but there seemed to be no way to convince him. Sighing internally I made a mental note to try find a way for them to 'repay' me that would not cause them problems or put their safety in jeopardy.

As side corridor just past Bodahn caught my attention, mainly as the hirelings seemed to be staying away from it and giving it uneasy looks when they thought no one could see them. The corridor was wide but not as high as the main passageways we had travelled, steep stone steps descended to a platform pathway, the area ahead alighted an eerie red. Some of the stones on the far wall appeared to have veins of red travelling down them, however I wasn't sure if it was just a trick of the light or not.

Reaching the bottom of the steps a golem attacked, proving that the defence mechanisms still worked and were ready to be triggered. It wasn't as difficult as I had thought it would be to stop the golem however its punches either knocked us back or stunned us, so it was mostly Bethany and Varric's doing that we managed to stop the animated stone.

We descended some more stairs and entered the Primeval Thaig via the door located near another passageway, the passageway had been blocked by massive stones that had presumably fallen from the ceiling. The other side of the door was like nothing we had encountered so far. A fairly wide straight corridor with high ceilings greated us. Spitting, smoking lava flowed down each side of the pathway. It gave the corridor a heavy feel. A door was located directly ahead, we rushed towards it in fear of triggering some kind of lava trap.

This door opened up to a wider room with an even higher ceiling, columns holding the ceiling we're located on either side at uniformed distance. The room looked like it had been symmetrical at one point however a slight collapse and a broken pillar on the right hand side ruined this idea. The red light streamed through the cracks in the walls illuminating the staggered stairs. At the top of which an Alter took centre stage. Some red veins covered a pile of rocks just to the right, a red light issuing from them causing the item atop the Alter to glow.

The item seemed to sense us as it glowed brighter and sparks ran up and down its strange shape. It appeared to be some kind of idol, maybe for some dwarven god or something. It also was obviously made of Lyrium, a substance which I had never seen an item formed in. I'd seen Lyrium used to enchant items never to make them, maybe the dwarves were testing the making process out before this Thaig was abandoned. A shudder ran through me at the thought that this could be the reason it had been abandoned.

The door squeaked open just as Varric finished saying that this was 'unlike any Lyrium I've ever seen.' We turned to see Bartrand and Varric excitedly told him of our discovery. Bartrand whistled clearly impressed although something about the way Bartrand said 'excellent find.' Made me uneasy. None the less I hesitantly approached the idol, holding my hand above it I prepared myself to flinch away as I slowly grasped it. The glow dimmed and the sparks stopped, sighing in relief I handed it to Varric as he stated we'd look for anything else further in.

Varric tossed to idol to Bartrand who muttered something I couldn't hear as we debated if to head back to camp briefly or not. Movement caught my attention and the thought escaped my mouth, "The door!" I exclaimed in a mild panic. Sliding down the rock banister of the last stage of steps I arrived just in time, for the door to slam shut in my face.

Varric and Bartrand argued through the door for a short while until it became apparent that Bartrand had left us in here. I silently prayed the door at the top of the stairs opened and we could get out. We all breathed a sigh of relief when the door swung outwards revealing a main corridor, the veins littered the walls at random intervals but overall it didn't seem so bad. There were a few more shades and golems to deal with all the basic stuff we had come across before.

Well, until we reached the end of the corridors. The room that ended the corridors looked nothing like the Thaig, there were stairs that lead downwards but the rest of the room was rubble and unfinished stone. Everything was darker, colder, the air somehow harder to breathe. At the end of this room if it could be called that, were unfinished carved passageways guarded by strange rock creatures. From books that I had read they looked a little like rock wraiths but they were too small, in all the ancient descriptions the wraiths had been huge creatures towering over the race of men. Suddenly I remembered a description of an ancient rock wraiths calling themselves Profane that used miniature versions of itself to deter unwary travellers.

The veins on the walls were more and more frequent the deeper we went. Eventually in an almost corridor one side of the nearly walls was covered with the vines, casting an eerie red light on the door marking the end of this corridor. The room that awaited was spacious, columns with vines of red wrapped around them reached up to the undecorated ceiling. Piles of dirt and un-flattened rock mounds lay scattered to either side, occasionally surrounded by a small pool of water that made that area look like a pit.

We defeated the monsters in the abandoned room only to have a rock wraith appear and tell us 'Enough!' It became apparent during its conversation with us that it was not the same as the others we had encountered, it seemed to be a hunger demon taking on the form of a wraith. It told us we would need its help and I agreed that we didn't have much choice. The Hunger stated that without its permission the wraiths and shades would not attack. However the crypt that would lead to our exit of this part of the tunnels was a creature the Hunger asked us to slay. Quickly thinking it through I decided that we would no doubt have to face this creature anyway, the safe passage between then and now was a small thing in return.

The journey to the crypt was peaceful in comparison to our trek so far. But it did not last when we found the crypt, the room opened up with four metal looking pillars holding up the weight of the ceiling, boxes and stones were littered around. Construction of this part had clearly still been in mid stride when the area was abandoned. A strange noise caused Varric and I to turn around, rocks forced themselves together and red seeped from the vines and messed the shifting rocks together. Forming an ancient rock wraith, that looked exactly how the books had described. The red internals forming like a human skeleton but the arms and legs of which were the giant rocks. It stood at full height, easily three times as tall as the tallest of our group.

The wraith was not easy to deal with, we got a good few hits in and it would dismantle itself, re-gather and shoot this burning red light out, during these times we had to hide behind the pillars to escape the beams of pure heat. Before we could charge at it again it would lose all its rock and look for all purposes like it was catching its breath as a skeleton. Meanwhile little versions of itself would attack us, preventing us from doing much damage to the main body. During the time it took to deal with the little pests, something looking like black mist would be drawn to the main wraith no doubt restoring some of its health. It would then gather itself and send out the beam of pain again.

It repeated this over and over until finally it was clear it was close to finished, it seemed to struggle to gather itself, its beam had less heat to it and its swiping attacks felt a lot softer. Distancing myself I ran forward, leaping into the air as it gathered its rocks, swinging my blade from behind me I sliced through the red skeleton connecting all the pieces and landed safely on the other side of the creature.

It exploded into pieces as I put my blade away, I noticed Varric undoing a readied arrow and storing Bianca on his shoulder. We sighed at each other as he explained the legend I already knew. Walking towards the only visible exit other than the way we had come we came across the horde of gold and treasure chests the creature had been guarding. A strange sound issued and we all looked behind us, the Hunger had returned claiming that the treasure was his and that we should take only the key and leave. We did not agree as Varric pointed out the stuff located here would be worth a fortune. I asked Varric to take the first shot and he was already loading Bianca. He shot through the Hunger creature ad it went down without issue. We easily slayed the two 'friends' it had created also, taking that treasure we could carry and the key. We unlocked the door and began the daunting task of finding a route out of here.

**(A/N: Warning character death!)**

Finally we somehow made our way back to the place we had slayed the dragon, relief washed through me. It had been hard going, especially the last few days considering it had taken us five days to get back to this point and food and water provisions had long since ran out. Bethany mumbled, asking if we could slow down. I suggested we made camp if she was sick and Varric joked about that the cause was the deep mushrooms we'd eaten a few hours before. Bethany mumbled no and I turned just in time to see her fall to the floor, her name escaped my lips in concern.

Running towards her, I watched as she propped herself up on her elbow. She looked terrible, her skin grey and shrunken, eyes veiled with white, her veins and arteries showing as black angry lines across her. Horror filled me, I'd seen only one person look like this; Wesley, the man I had Aveline kill as he could not continue and I could not make that choice for her.

"It's the blight, isn't it? I'll end up just like Wesley, won't I?" Bethany asked her voice strained and whispery.

"There must be some other way!" I state my voice shaking with emotion.

"I'm not going to last until the surface. It's coming on faster." Bethany croaked her eyes filling with tears.

"Argh we're in the middle of nowhere. There's no way… oh, Sunshine…" Varric stated his voice breaking.

Having looked at Varric when he'd made a noise, I shut my eyes, preventing the tears and shook my head. I had to be strong for Bethany, for my last sibling who is dying right in front of me. I can't cry, I can't. I want to scream, to rip and shred apart the creature that caused this. But I can't, my revenge will have to be got later, right now my baby sister needs me. I will be strong, if only for her sake.

"You'll take care of it, won't you, Sis?" Bethany asked her voice low as tears glistened in her eyes.

"How can I kill my own sister?" I asked my voice breaking slightly betraying me.

"Because she's asking you to." Bethany stated as a tear rolled down her cheek. Hesitantly she placed her right hand against my left cheek, rubbing soothing circles against my skin, wiping away the tears I hadn't known I'd let escape. Placing my hand over hers as listened as she practically whispered "It's just you now. Take care of Mother."

My throat dried, eyes watered fiercely. I knew if I spoke now my voice would break and the tears would gush forth, I could not allow that. Not in Bethany's final moments, I nodded softly, Bethany smiled understandingly at me. I looked down and we connected our foreheads together like we used to do when we were younger. Carefully I drew my small dagger, the one I always kept hidden away in case I was disarmed. Drawing Bethany into a tight hug one last time, I pierced the blade through her heart and twisted it, a quick death, she deserved that. A sigh breezed from her lips into my ear, her final words and ones that would haunt me. "Thank you."

The entire journey back I barely spoke, I distanced myself from our group. I couldn't speak, why was I allowed to speak when Bethany no longer could? Why was I allowed to eat, I'd killed my sister? Any food I managed to eat became bile and was coughed out of my body at the thought. I noticed their concerned looks, I noticed but I didn't care. Slow motion that is how we seemed to move, even now as we crossed the waves in a small ship we had managed to commandeer. Arriving back in Kirkwall brought me no joy, I jumped off the ship and with heavy steps and a heavier heart I trailed the path to where I would find mother.

"Home, sweet home. Finally." Stated Varric in an exhausted tone. "I wonder if Bartrand came back to the city. You think I'd be that lucky?" He enquired shrugging his shoulders.

"Revenge isn't exactly the most pressing thing on my mind right now." I stated.

Varric swayed a little and replied in a sad tone. "I know. I'm… sorry about what happened to your sister." He staggered out. "I should have seen Bertrand's betrayal coming. I'll find that maggot if it's the last thing I do." Varric vowed. "I imagine you'll be heading home to… tell the family?" He enquired rubbing his forehead.

"I don't have much choice." I sighed sadly. I tuned Varric out as he said something about wealth and split from the group and shuffled my way inch by endless inch to Gamlen's home. Slowly I pushed the door open and squeezed through, they were both there and looked at me in surprise.

"Oh, my baby! You made it home!" Mother stated with relief running towards me, keeping her distance she asked the question I was dreading. "Bethany isn't with you?"

I shook my head sadly, letting a "No." escape my lips.

"Is she… coming back?" Mother asked hope lingering in her tone and eyes, she shook her head begging me to deny her worst fears.

"I'm sorry, Mother." I stated looking her in the eyes, a tear streaked down my face as Mother collapsed into a heap on the floor I covered her, trying to hug her as she cried and begging me to tell her it wasn't true. Begging pleading, screaming at me, anger soon followed as she yelled at me the same things I'd been yelling at myself since I killed her. I couldn't tell mother that, not yet, she wasn't ready to hear that I had ended Bethany's life. I still couldn't admit it to myself. For once I agreed with something I had heard Anders say 'I hate the blighted Deep roads.'


	7. Living

Nightmares are the hardest thing to deal with, there is no reasoning with nightmares. They just take you on the journey that you beg them not to. Into the dark, into your worst memories, twisting them into something worse than reality. I’m living a nightmare, the only joy I can see is mother’s sad smile when she looks at me. I know she blames me, I blame me too. But how was I to know? If I had known what was to happen, I never would have allowed Bethany to step foot in those blighted pathways of the Deep Roads. Never would have agreed to take that pathway to the wilds. Never would have allowed father to run ahead. What can I do but feel guilty? It was my decision that has ripped my sister from our lives. My decision that cost Carver his life, my decision that caused the terrifying screams to issue from my father as I ran away. Everything, every single thing that has gone wrong can be linked so easily back to me.  
For three years I’ve barely been able to deal with the mundane day to day life. I settled the debt that Gamlen had used my family’s home to pay off, I managed to also buy the house. My family; as small as it now was, was where it should have been since we arrived here. We had two additions to the household: Sandal and Bodahn, I had managed to find Bodahn about a month ago when I was out purchasing some things that mother had asked for. He looked shocked and weary, since Bodahn and his son had returned they had been sleeping rough wherever they could.  
I told Bodahn to go get Sandal and for them both to meet me here, he seemed confused but complied. While I waited I commissioned two suits to be made, dwarf size. The seller had informed me she would deliver them to my house as soon as they were ready, I gladly paid the price she asked.   
Soon a dirty, rag clothed Sandal and Bodahn were making their way towards me. I semi-smiled at them; I not been able to smile fully since I ended my sister’s life, asked them to follow me and led them to my house. Once inside, I told Bodahn of my intent; to allow them to live here. He shook his head, saying he could not allow me to do something so huge for him. I shook mine and told him it was no trouble. However as I know dwarfs have their pride to consider, I informed him that if he felt he had to earn his keep he could run errands for me every one in a while and keep the house clean.   
He agreed, showing them around, I led them to the bathroom and told them they were more than welcome to clean up. Whilst they were cleaning themselves up I brought two clean outfits out. I knew they’d be too long but it was better than rags until my commissioned pieces arrived. I laid them out carefully and shouted through the door that they were awaiting them. When they were done and smothered in the clothes, I giggled slightly then slowly approached them and ripped the clothes so they would fit them a little better. Bodahn expressed his gratitude and informed me he would do his best to earn his keep. Sighing I agreed, not wanting to injure his pride.  
The suits arrived, they were fine looking and allowed Bodahn and Sandal to move freely around. The designer had sown the Hawke crest into the inside so that if the jackets were left somewhere, people would know where it belonged. Thus Bodahn started his work, I asked him to let me know if the clothes became thin and warn so I could get a replacement, after a little persuading he agreed.  
Earlier today I received notice that the Viscount wished to see me and I made the preparations to visit. Whilst I strapping my boots into place, mother approached me she told me she was worried about me. That I should go out and see the friends I had made more, spend less time worrying over her and more time enjoying life. I told her I’d go visit everyone after I’d spoken to the Viscount, she seemed happy at the idea.  
The visit went quickly, the Qunari were stirring again, causing shifts in the normal order. I agreed to speak to their Arishok in the hopes that I could talk them down, to prevent battle that would cost many lives to end. The thought of battle caused bile to begin rising in my throat. I could barely look at my hands without seeing them coated in blood, the blood of those that had already died by my hand, the blood of those I could not save. The idea of drawing my weapon again caused unease and sickness. I no longer wished to fight.

Leaving the Keep, Bodahn ran towards me. Breathing hard he proclaimed he had a difficult time finding me. This confused me as he knew the Viscount had asked for my presence and I informed him that I had been attending important business. He told me he’d been hoping to catch me before I arrives and that Varric had finally found a buyer for one of the pieces form the Deep Roads. Once again Bodahn thanked me for allowing himself and Sandal to stay in my home, I informed him once again that I hadn’t asked for a servant however he insisted that this was his way to ‘re-pay’ me. Mother had asked that I return once I get the chance, I took this as her subtle reminder to visit my friends before heading home.  
I managed to find everyone and spoke to them for a while, I noticed the concerned looks. The thoughtful glances, the way they chose their words with care. It didn’t help, the hardest people to face were Varric and Fenris; I’d dragged them into the ordeal and made them witness the murder if my sister. Pain flared in my heart looking into Varric’s eyes, Fenris seemed not to want to fully meet my gaze. I couldn’t blame him. How could any of them see me as anything but a killer now? As someone who was willing to kill even their sister if they got in their way? I’d heard the rumours, the whispers of the people at the Hanged Man. I could not deny their theories of my being a monster; that was all I saw myself as.


End file.
